I finally truly understand why i can't let go of st. john.
cause of pride i guess.
in school, i am really a nobody.
i stick with the same people.
and i am very uncomfortable around new people.

my life consists of same old routine.
and offer, i find myself troubled by that.
i always remind myself how lonely i am.
and often drift off to think of sjab.
where i am a somebody.

i am not exceptional in sch work.
and i don't get recognise for it.
but in sjab.
i feel alive.
i get to make so many important decisions.
i feel that adrenaline is pumping through me,
taking care of every single detail.
i feel useful; like i am truly needed.
and most of all, i am noticable (figurative, tyvm).

i feel good.
but... my time is up.
i told myself.
i'll wipe my hands clean of corps issue.
but everytime i encounter one.
i wanna go down and kill every single of my brain cell to think of a solution.
but, i have to learn to let go.

i have more important commitments.
but my heart seem to be somewhere else.
i envy the sec 3s.
even if i hated nco life.
it was still a good experience.
i want to feel alive again...

everyday.
i place a little bit of my heart and soul into it.
so much so, i can't seem to get it all back now.
i envy chongyou and madeline.
how they seem to be able to not care of sjab anymore.
i must learn to be as cool as them.
and just dump it aside.

how i wish i could cut ties with sjab.
how i wish it was a distant memory.

i really need to concentrate.
but i feel like shit.
worse that i ever felt.
my life is screwed up.
my mind is always not focused.
it was never this bad.
moments when i am alone is like hell.
the only way i can be happy is drowning myself with videos.
it's like a drug.
i can't stop.
i'll do it still...
again and again.

bye, shall find moments of solace in my sleep.

Hmm. I use to pride myself for my independance and self-preservation.
I guess loneliness got the best of me.
Seeing all the blissfulness and glee on all the faces of the attached people.
Wanna claw it off.
Kidding.

I like to watch romantic shows/vids/movies and listen to heartbreak songs.
It use ot affect me moderately.
But it seems to bother me a hell lot nowadays.
Cause it seem i can relate to everything.
Ahhhh, i dread this feeling.
That my emotions are realiant on someone else.
Driving me to insanity as I'm no longer the master of my own life.

Sometimes people can be funny.
We continue to like someone.
Even though we're rob of our thoughts.
And we are brought nothing but false hope and heartbreaks.
We still yearn for the few momments of breathlessness when we see the ones we like.

We're not stupid (at least i'm not).
We know it's impossible.
And we always protect our hearts by reminding ourselves of this every waking moment.
But it never seems to work.
We still continue to live foolishly and recklessly.
Letting our hearts rule our actions.

Because there can never be wrong with that person.
All you can see is how happy you'll be.
How it can never go wrong.
How your life will be finally completed.

All this is bullshit,
but our hearts don't seem to understand this.
They just keep beating, and beating for you.
But it will always remain inaudible to you.

Cinderella Sister:
"Waking up in the morning was fun now.
I wanted to sleep early at night.
Because if I slept, it would be morning quicker.
Because when I woke up in the morning,
I would be able to start another day with him.
Whenever I turned by head and saw him, I would feel good.
I didn't dare ask for much.
If I went somewhere and came back...
As long as that person was there...
That was enough.
Even if I didn't see him for a moment...
As soon as I see him,
I was as happy as if I didn't see him in a million years.
I was statisfisfied with just that."

How true EunJo,
But JungWoo is still the right man for you.

Wow, emo shit much?

I guess I'll have to learn the lesson of forgetting the slow and hard way.
Of letting go, one memory at a time.

Really?

I apologised.
You said you forgive me.
Yes... you said.

But why the hostile attitude today?
I took the initiative to apologise.
You felt that i went out of line.
But thats just who i am.
But what about you?
I never knew you'll ever said such things to me.
The sky just rip open and everything just came out.
Did you even considered how i felt?
You just kept going and going.
I didn't say anything.
Didn't you know?

I hope your happy.
I guess this was all one sided.
I guess you never really needed me.
I guess i'm the only one weeping about this.

I hope i can learn to ignore you soon.
I guess, things will never be the same.

I thank god for giving us the ability to adapt.

Are you happy?

Hello.

sometimes you feel you screwed up your life so much,
you just wanna sleep,
and never wake up...

may was horrible.
so many things happened.
i hope they can resolve themselves soon.

hmm, i need to go out more.
if i am not distracted, i'll have more time to think.
if i have more time to think, i'll have more time to reflect.
that's no good, cause it always brings me down.

maybe i am thinking too much.
maybe it's not that bad.
whatever.
life still goes on.
i still have to wake up to another day.

at least i'll have somethings to look forward to.

• ruixuan birthday celebration!
• ruixuan birthday celebration pt. 2 at pastamania!
• pris performance at bpian got talent.
• trip to europe!
• rod... (:

i guess life is not that bad.

i used to regret going to europe, but it'll be an opportunity for me to finally relax i guess. (: