Exams

I'm suppose to be making SS SEQ notes now.
But...
TADAH, i'm here!!!
Failure...

I need to start studying, especially organic chemistry.
Because of that stupid chapter, my chemistry is failing...
AHHHHHHH! I cannot lose my two most confident A1s.

I'm getting chirpier these days.
Maybe because i don't have to worry about SJAB anymore.
But competition team...
I really dunnoe what to do about it.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Help me God, why can't you be BP Comp Team instructor instead?

I suck.
I didn't wait for Marissa because of something stupid.
Very stupid.
Why the hell do i do such things???
It's pointless.
Sorry Marissa...
Really, really, really sorry.
I won't do such things anymore.


I need to give up on this.

Sucks.

I get it okay, you can stop talking about it.
Once is enough.
You don't have to go around telling people all this thing.
I am not that shamless.
Thanks for letting me know you find my disgusting.
So i can finally learn to give up.

I'm a joke.

Marissa was right all along.
I thought i would be different, but it ended in heartbreak as well.
I really really hate myself.
Why did i do all this stupid things for you?
Why did i make myself so cheap?
When all you thought of me was scary and disgusting.
I am not like that okay.
The only reason i do most of the things i do is because of you.

I will stop it.
I will not continue.
So rest assured and live long.

Goodbye will always come.

FML.

St. John

I find myself coming here often to seek solace from all the things that happened to me in St. John.
Today was shitty as well.
He told me "Your a great leader but sometimes you need to learn to follow."
But, does he know my part of the story?
It is not i loveeeeee making decisions.
But i never get a reply.
And it is near the training.
Am i just going to shut up?
But it'll be my fault in the end.
It is always Wei Hao's fault.
Even things that happen to Sec 1 is my fault.
They stand in the Sun, it is not their Squad I/Cs fault, it is also not D/N's fault.
IT IS MY FAULT.
Out of all the people in the world, you shout at me.
Because i am easy to bully.
I am a joke.

I find myself doing so much for St. John.
But nobody gives a flying fuck.
I am always the bad guy.
I am always the slave.
I am always the wrong do-er.

Every training, i find myself giving my all.
I make sure everything is up to standard.
Even though only Chong You helps me and at times i feel like dying.
I still do it.
But who cares!?
Srsly.
The TICs don't seem to notice.
I feel so hurt.
They apply for Madeline the Best Cadet Grant.
But they conviniently miss me out.
I have nothing against Madeline.
But it is just that, don't i deserve to be nominated too?

I am just a joke.
I am just the DEPUTY Commander.
I am just there to fill the spot.
I am just there to do work.
I will never get recognise.
Madeline will always be recognise.
She will always represent St. John.
I will be forgotten.
I will just be remembered as the FAT GUY.

The Instructors and Officers hate me.
They think i very zi da.
I like to make decisions.
I am always right.
But fuck it.
If you do the work, do i have to?
You gimme a task.
I do it.
Than i want it my way = i am zi da.
I feel that i do more work than anyone.
But i am always wrong.
I am just egotastic.
This shit has been happening for very long.
I know.
Don't need to complain about me behind my back.
I thought JJ sir will understand.
But end up...
He say i am shitty.
You say you want everyone to think your the devil.
Thats what everyone think i am.
You think i friggin' like it?
I do it because it is enjoyable?
NO. I do it because i feel i have too.
But now i doubt it.
I should just forget it.
Because i will just be titled "Zi Da".
Fcuk this, really.

The cadets.
HAHAs.
Total strength 76.
People who hate Wei Hao 75.
I do not hate myself yet.
HAHAs.
They think i am mad.
shoutshoutshout.
I start to think i am mad too.
I should just shut up.
An Instr once told me:
"1. I should not abuse scolding like Audrey ma'am.
2. I should not overuse it like you (Wei Hao)."
Thanks ah, srsly.
I am just a piece of shit apparantly.

I am nothing in St. John.
I will never get appreciated.
I will always be the bad guy.

I am having an eternal headache that only ROD can cure.
FCUK St. John.
Srsly, fcuk you very very much.
You do not love me anymore.
You don't make me feel happy anymore.
You just make me feel misery, pain & agony.

What to do, i am just a DEPUTY. :)

FML.

Monday 07/04

Nothing special happened today.
Just that i realise i became annoying.
Sorry Marissa, please don't get irritated by me.
I really cannot stand been outcasted now.
I must shut up and behave like a cultured person for a week.
Srsly, or i will lose my friends.
I can't got through it again.

Talking about this, I have changed soooooo many friends.
I really hope i don't have to go through it again.
I really hate that it is hard to find good friends.
I am not exactly attractive, and my interest differ from most jocks, so it is really hard for me to find friends.
And i am always very accurate in assessing whether someone likes me or not.
I really hate it, i rather be oblivious =P

More SJAB work is coming.
Boogers, srsly.
But this one plan with other UG, should be more enjoyable and easy.

I can't wait to graduate.
I hate been a teenager.
But i hate been old too.
I'm soooo hard to pls.

Life sucks.
I hate feeling this way.
Please stop.
It's gross.


Bye.

S.J.A.B

This accursed 4 letters: S, J, A & B is how you spell my life.
My life has been revolving around it for 4 years now.
I have never questioned it, devotedly doing what is asked from me.
But my passion for it is shaken.
I start to ask myself, "Am I happy?"
I don't know why this starts to happen.
Maybe because with more power, I get to see the ugly side of St. John?
Maybe with more power, I have to make uglier decisions?
Maybe I just don't have enough energy and paitence to handle all of it?

Of course, after almost 2 years in committee, it get easier for me.
But, I am also tired.
Everytime I go to training, I get dispised.
Do the cadets really think i am stupid?
Whatever you say behind my back, I know.
And it hurts my feelings.
A childish statement but it really does.
It gets better now but... I really hate that they still act friendly towards me.
It makes me paranoid.
I think i would immediately quit SJAB if i found out the cadets i am close to hates me.
I srsly dunnoe who likes me and who doesn't.
I really, really hate hypocrites.
Please just die.

I am also tired of work.
Tired of the repitition of work.
I am just very tired i general.

I really dunnoe if i will come back as an instructors.
I srsly have no motivations except for my Sec 2s.
All the other Sec 4s do not want to come back.
And i am not close with the instr, and i doubt i will ever be.
Srsly, i don't do well alone.
I really hope more Sec 4s wanna go back.

And i dunnoe if i wanna go OTC.
If she goes, than i will deffo go.
But i don't even know she coming back to be instr. anot.

This sucks. Life sucks. I suck.

Bye suckers.

Shizz

HAHAs, blogging after 6 months, doubt anyone will read this.

This sucks, I feel like a homewrecker.
Me & my big mouth.
1 day of letting it loose, I regret 80% of what I said.

Firstly, I think I destroyed this relastionship.
I super super hate myself for it.
I feel, like Prisilia would say, nasty.

And than and than, my big mouth doesn't stop there.
I told the Sec 2s of something unconfirmed.
What if it collaspes? What if there are changes?
Ffffffffffffff man.

Srsly, I hope I just die.
I suck, big time.

Haish, at least Sunday got PD, something to look forward to.

2PM comeback on April, I really really hope they don't lose to Shinee.
I'm super worried.
Because they have alot of anti-fans now.
But I'll support them all the way.
NichYoung forever.
Chansung is just a joke.

2 P-PM! Take on my heart~ Follow your soul.