I finally truly understand why i can't let go of st. john.
cause of pride i guess.
in school, i am really a nobody.
i stick with the same people.
and i am very uncomfortable around new people.

my life consists of same old routine.
and offer, i find myself troubled by that.
i always remind myself how lonely i am.
and often drift off to think of sjab.
where i am a somebody.

i am not exceptional in sch work.
and i don't get recognise for it.
but in sjab.
i feel alive.
i get to make so many important decisions.
i feel that adrenaline is pumping through me,
taking care of every single detail.
i feel useful; like i am truly needed.
and most of all, i am noticable (figurative, tyvm).

i feel good.
but... my time is up.
i told myself.
i'll wipe my hands clean of corps issue.
but everytime i encounter one.
i wanna go down and kill every single of my brain cell to think of a solution.
but, i have to learn to let go.

i have more important commitments.
but my heart seem to be somewhere else.
i envy the sec 3s.
even if i hated nco life.
it was still a good experience.
i want to feel alive again...

everyday.
i place a little bit of my heart and soul into it.
so much so, i can't seem to get it all back now.
i envy chongyou and madeline.
how they seem to be able to not care of sjab anymore.
i must learn to be as cool as them.
and just dump it aside.

how i wish i could cut ties with sjab.
how i wish it was a distant memory.

i really need to concentrate.
but i feel like shit.
worse that i ever felt.
my life is screwed up.
my mind is always not focused.
it was never this bad.
moments when i am alone is like hell.
the only way i can be happy is drowning myself with videos.
it's like a drug.
i can't stop.
i'll do it still...
again and again.

bye, shall find moments of solace in my sleep.