St. John

I find myself coming here often to seek solace from all the things that happened to me in St. John.
Today was shitty as well.
He told me "Your a great leader but sometimes you need to learn to follow."
But, does he know my part of the story?
It is not i loveeeeee making decisions.
But i never get a reply.
And it is near the training.
Am i just going to shut up?
But it'll be my fault in the end.
It is always Wei Hao's fault.
Even things that happen to Sec 1 is my fault.
They stand in the Sun, it is not their Squad I/Cs fault, it is also not D/N's fault.
IT IS MY FAULT.
Out of all the people in the world, you shout at me.
Because i am easy to bully.
I am a joke.

I find myself doing so much for St. John.
But nobody gives a flying fuck.
I am always the bad guy.
I am always the slave.
I am always the wrong do-er.

Every training, i find myself giving my all.
I make sure everything is up to standard.
Even though only Chong You helps me and at times i feel like dying.
I still do it.
But who cares!?
Srsly.
The TICs don't seem to notice.
I feel so hurt.
They apply for Madeline the Best Cadet Grant.
But they conviniently miss me out.
I have nothing against Madeline.
But it is just that, don't i deserve to be nominated too?

I am just a joke.
I am just the DEPUTY Commander.
I am just there to fill the spot.
I am just there to do work.
I will never get recognise.
Madeline will always be recognise.
She will always represent St. John.
I will be forgotten.
I will just be remembered as the FAT GUY.

The Instructors and Officers hate me.
They think i very zi da.
I like to make decisions.
I am always right.
But fuck it.
If you do the work, do i have to?
You gimme a task.
I do it.
Than i want it my way = i am zi da.
I feel that i do more work than anyone.
But i am always wrong.
I am just egotastic.
This shit has been happening for very long.
I know.
Don't need to complain about me behind my back.
I thought JJ sir will understand.
But end up...
He say i am shitty.
You say you want everyone to think your the devil.
Thats what everyone think i am.
You think i friggin' like it?
I do it because it is enjoyable?
NO. I do it because i feel i have too.
But now i doubt it.
I should just forget it.
Because i will just be titled "Zi Da".
Fcuk this, really.

The cadets.
HAHAs.
Total strength 76.
People who hate Wei Hao 75.
I do not hate myself yet.
HAHAs.
They think i am mad.
shoutshoutshout.
I start to think i am mad too.
I should just shut up.
An Instr once told me:
"1. I should not abuse scolding like Audrey ma'am.
2. I should not overuse it like you (Wei Hao)."
Thanks ah, srsly.
I am just a piece of shit apparantly.

I am nothing in St. John.
I will never get appreciated.
I will always be the bad guy.

I am having an eternal headache that only ROD can cure.
FCUK St. John.
Srsly, fcuk you very very much.
You do not love me anymore.
You don't make me feel happy anymore.
You just make me feel misery, pain & agony.

What to do, i am just a DEPUTY. :)

FML.