S.J.A.B

This accursed 4 letters: S, J, A & B is how you spell my life.
My life has been revolving around it for 4 years now.
I have never questioned it, devotedly doing what is asked from me.
But my passion for it is shaken.
I start to ask myself, "Am I happy?"
I don't know why this starts to happen.
Maybe because with more power, I get to see the ugly side of St. John?
Maybe with more power, I have to make uglier decisions?
Maybe I just don't have enough energy and paitence to handle all of it?

Of course, after almost 2 years in committee, it get easier for me.
But, I am also tired.
Everytime I go to training, I get dispised.
Do the cadets really think i am stupid?
Whatever you say behind my back, I know.
And it hurts my feelings.
A childish statement but it really does.
It gets better now but... I really hate that they still act friendly towards me.
It makes me paranoid.
I think i would immediately quit SJAB if i found out the cadets i am close to hates me.
I srsly dunnoe who likes me and who doesn't.
I really, really hate hypocrites.
Please just die.

I am also tired of work.
Tired of the repitition of work.
I am just very tired i general.

I really dunnoe if i will come back as an instructors.
I srsly have no motivations except for my Sec 2s.
All the other Sec 4s do not want to come back.
And i am not close with the instr, and i doubt i will ever be.
Srsly, i don't do well alone.
I really hope more Sec 4s wanna go back.

And i dunnoe if i wanna go OTC.
If she goes, than i will deffo go.
But i don't even know she coming back to be instr. anot.

This sucks. Life sucks. I suck.

Bye suckers.