What happened.

My life revolves around one thing.
S-J-A-B.
I used to treat it like my life, now it is forced onto me.
Why you may ask?

Well, I used to have a lot of good friends from St. John.
Chong You, Madeline, and Mardhiyyah.
But i lost all of them for reasons i regret and i don't want to say.

Because i am the Deputy Commander, any decision i make seems to offend somebody.
But now, i've really lost all sense of compassion.
I don't care about their feelings anymore.
Cause if i do, all i get is their attitude.
So, why the fuck would i fucking give a damn anymore?
Hate me, i'll get used to it.
See, SJAB has make me into an anal S.O.B.

I used to love going to St. John.
I get to meet my very very (ex) good friends.
Of course i miss them, but what to do?
Its my fucking fault.
I was completely aware of what i was doing was sabotaging the relastionship.
Why did i do it?
If i didn't, i'll still have my best friend with me.
See, i am an S.O.B.

The cadet years in St. John is all about been tortured.
But you know what?
I fucking love it.
Cause we did it as a squad with everyone as equal.
Our leaders were clear, they were the NCOs.
We did not have deep relastionship with them, so even if they treat us like shit, we still respected them cause their our sr.
It is much more different as a committee.
We are not happy when we are asked to do stuff.
Cause we feel we are equal.
So fuck it.

Its so difficult now.
We act like we don't know each other.
We purposely hurt each other.
Why?

I want to be a cadet again.
I want to be close with my squad again.
I don't want the whole committee to hate me.
I want a time machine.
I want change.
I want my friends back.

I am tired...