G. Wei Hao's Blog.

Changed URL

2010-07-16T07:27:00.000-07:00

I moved on,

to: http://gohweihao.tumblr.com

Password is my favourite Pastamania dish with spacing.

See you there (virtually).

2010-07-14T03:47:00.000-07:00

fuck st. john.

i cracked.
i realised everything.
i realised everything will stay the same.
i will still be treated like crap.

i lost all interest in it.
i try so hard.
but who cares?
no one bothers to remember their appointments with me.
no one respects me.
no one likes me.
no one cares about me.

i'm not stupid.
i always know.
that even as a comp team instr.
they'll doubt my capabilites and experience.
so fuck it.
i'll just leave then.

it's going to be a lonely journey.
and i am not ready to take it up.

if you want to talk anything about sjab with me ever again.
kill that little thought.

2010-07-13T05:38:00.000-07:00

Just take a gun,
point it to your temple,
and never worry.

2010-07-11T05:03:00.000-07:00

I was happy that NC won 3rd in nationals and 1st for footdrill.
I'm convinced that they have the skills.
Two times can't be wrong.

Seeing them win, kinda ignites a spark of hope deep within me.
Makes me miss the good old days.
Makes me miss the hunger to win.
Makes me wanna do it all over again.

I really, really, don't mind joining competition again.
But, I wanna join to win.
Thats my greatest goal.
I wanna join the greatest team.
I wanna be proud of our achievement.
I wanna be able to do a perfect case.
I wanna be able to execute perfect footdrill.

I wanna wow the crowd.

I dunnoe, I really wanna join.
But I want alvin and chongyou to join as well.
I want the old aa.
I'm only confident in the old aa.
Me, ccy, alvin and jeffrey. (excld the 60kg hdb tyvm)

I guess it's impossible.
They won't come back.
Their tired.

Maybe i should be just content with training out a champion team.
I must find a way to extinguish this hope.
I must.

Bye............

Babo.

2010-07-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

At the rate I'm writing crap about unrequited love,
I can write a novel.

Wish me success.

Whoever said loving someone is beautiful is a sadist.
You call endless agony beautiful?
Idiot.

I hate you, let me go.

Wei Hao is officially a bunch of emoshit.
You'll never know,
because when I see you,
I brush away that flicker of hurt in my eyes.
I'm a good actor,
because I don't want to lose you.

I hate you, let me go.

Blogging is fun when your super bored.
I feel better when I rant here.
I pity this blog, only used when I am sad.
Other than that, it is abandon.
I should start posting happy stuff.
But life sucks,
nothing seems to cheer me up anymore.
I'm old and cynical.

2010-07-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

It's okay if no one understands this,
I just really, really, need to get this out.

I'm going insane.
Am i that insignificant to you?
I hate you.
Because your life still goes on,
while i am left to pick up the broken pieces of my heart.

How foolish.
U know that as long as I love you,
I'll continue down this path of self destruction.
But I just keep going and going.
I still run when I see you.

I should be happy.
That I can live for myself and myself alone.
But i am not.
Because, I don't feel complete.
I need that piece of my heart that I gave to you.
Where you monopolise it with your smile,
your scent,
and my happily ever after.

The only way out is to forget.
Because I would rather live a thousand lifetimes with you as my friend than one without you.
You'll never know.
Because I'll never tell.
I;m a good actor.
When I see you.
I brush the flicker of hurt away from my eyes.
You won't see it.
I won't let you.

I need to forget.
Will someoe help me?
If only.
If only everything is different.
Maybe I will be a bit braver?
Maybe I will be happy now.

It's been 7 months.
When will it stop.

I hate you,
let me go...

Movie Quotes

2010-07-04T22:12:00.000-07:00

A sudden urge to blog about the memorable movie quotes.
Writing this, I can refer to it when I forget any of them.

"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
- Forrest Gump, 1994
(The only turn-off is MY used this quote before. Copycat.)

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
- Love Story, 1970

"You had me at 'hello'."
- Jerry Mcguire, 1996
(Technically I only read the story on wiki because it stars the icky Tom Cruise. But this is a really good line.)

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."
- Godfather 2, 1974
(Please don't believe it if anyone say they came up with this line. -.- It's a line from the classic Godfather. Shall watch it after O's.)

"You know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world. To not know why you are here. It is awful. Now that we know who you are , I know who I am. I'm not a mistake."
Unbreakable, 2000

"Jack: Where to miss?
Rose: To the stars."
-Titanic, 1997
(This would've been a perfect movie if Rose did not get married. It's only right that she lives lonely forever and her heart will only think of Jack.)

... Suddenly pangs of fatigue is radiating through my body.

Bye, I shall go do something that requires less effort.

It's a Sunday

2010-07-04T06:26:00.000-07:00

Hello!

Haha, I decided that there is no use hiding the previous post.
I am at a point when I just don't really care about what others think.
I have enough friends.
I don't need anymore acquaintances.
I just don't have enough day and paitence to patronise all of them.
I'm not mean, just unfriendly I guess.

So saturday was pretty screwed up.
In my opinion.
I made some mistakes I wish I can correct.
Ah, just when I thought things are getting better.
However, I had fun "kidnapping" Jeffrey away from PD.
Haha, we played some nonsense, bought some nonsense and talked a lot of nonsense.
To the boy that called me an uncle, I'm going to break your legs.
LOL.
No lah.
Maybe :x

It's incredible how me and Jeffrey can just sit at pastamania and just talk for 2 straight hours.
HAHA, I officially convinced him that Aglio Olio is very, very nice.
God-sent cheap and affordable delicacy.
Aglio Olio ftw.
I respect Aglio Olio so much that I even caps the first letter as if I am talking about a real person.

Today was not productive again.
Wei Hao ah, Wei Hao, when are you going to study?
Do I have to force you by tying you to the chair.
(It's not weird to talk about yourself in a second person POV!)
I slept through most of today.
I like napping, because it feels like I trade hours for days.
Sometimes I can wake up feeling hours have passed when I only slept for half an hour.
The feeling is great.
I don't know why.
I dreamt a lot today.
But I can't remember most of it. =\

Afterwards I have to wake up to go for a musical/play/aerobics show.
I really don't know what it is.
A combination of all I guess.
It's called Viva &#*&(%#*^(%# and it is showed at Resort World.
It is rather mediocre so I didn't bother remembering or googling the name.
The only perks is it is filled with angmohs.
But I cannot see their faces.
So I guess that made it even suckier.
I felt like sleeping.
And I couldn't sms cause I was too paranoid someone will come scold me.
LOL.

Well, at least I got to see Resort World.
When I first reached and saw the casino,
all i saw was gambling addicts, old people and foreign workers.
I have ZERO respect for gamblers because they cannot stop doing something they know will absolutely lead them to nothing but dismay.
I got happier when I got to see Universal Studio.
The facade only to be exact, but still, I'm happy.

Than went to eat.
AHHHH, i ate fattening food.
D:
Than the rest of the day is just mundane...

I'm happier nowadays, because I'm starting to learn how to be content just seeing you happy.
I don't care if it is requited or not, just as long as I see you smile.
It is a lesson I have to learn since this is not something I can chuck it deep into the abyss of my heart and try to forget.

Wei Hao ah, you better start studying if you wanna open that Wei Sheng Clinic of yours! HAHA.
I'll work hard towards it! :D

Cheers.
Hope your life is better than mine.

2010-06-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

Hello.

My life is filled with bitches.
A gorilla that is apathetic about others and only cares about herself.
And a noisier isotope that does the exact same thing.
Please someone get rid of them.
Be it abduction by aliens or mistaken identity ad hung up on a wooden pole and burnt alive for witchcraft.
However they disappear, I'm happy as long as I don't have to spare a patronizing glance at them.

If you don't care about us than begone.
Don't come here because you have no where else to turn to.
Go to the corner and emo.
Please just go away.

Your antics are getting worse and worse.
Every action of yours has become disgusting.
Both of you as a matter of fact.
You brush off as desperate.
One is a bestly version of seohyun wanting his chopsticks yonghwa.
Another, is just a plain stalker.

Argh. Things will be better without you guys.
So much better.
So, so much better.
Making new friends is tiring.
You don't know who they really are.
It's exciting at first.
But than they start to get comfortable.
And show you how ugly they truly are.
Than all the drama starts.
I have too much of my own problem to get involve with this.
Will god just send a few ligtning bolts and fry their fat asses?
*angry

Cheer up Joey.
It's not your fault,
she just wasn't the right friend for you.
You deserve better, much better.

I'm still going insane.
I'm still staring at my phone waiting for a red beep.
I'm still thinking of you.

Fuck.

Meh.

2010-06-28T04:05:00.000-07:00

Long overdue post about ROD.
It is a milestone in my life, so I decided that I should blog about it, for memory sake.

The previous day, the stupid me just couldn't sleep.
I kept waking up like every 2 hours.
I really don't know why, but I was friggin' excited, because, I know my life was about to change.
A part of me was about to be ripped out.

So, the day starts with me meeting up with Mardhiyyah, Chong, and Rui Xuan.
When I went into Mac, I WAS SHOCKED!
My first though when I saw the mysterious short-haired figure was "IRNA!?"
I really thought she came to see our ROD and met Chong You on the way.
In the end, it's Mardhiyyah.
It was well, really, really amusing.

I had a really good time.
It's the first time I really slow down and just soak in every moment. (especially bouncing balls)
I noticed, we're so familiar with each other,
that even in moments of silence,
it isn't akward,
it's comfortable.
I'll miss the times just sitting there and talking.
I really, really will...

Lala, than when we go take bus, I found out something funny.
All your juniors pretend that they didn't see you.
But! I know your there.
Just say wave and say hi.
I have a lot of interest in food, but I don't like human meat.

When we reached school we saw the Sec 2 boys talking with Benjamin.
LOL, the rest of the Sec 4s joined them but i felt uncomfortable.
I'm actually very anti-social.
I don't like hanging out with people I don't know.
I don't like feeling uncomfortable.
It isn't I don't like you guys.
I just won't know what to say to you guys.
I kind felt bad, cause I was jerk-ish for not saying hi to you guys.
It was akward...
But HI!

Than we were split into our groups.
I was a group with Rui Xuan and Jeffrey.
Ahhhh, sorry ah Jeffrey.
It's not I don't want talk to you but talk to Rui Xuan only.
But it's because I never see or talk to you for so long already.
I should've talked to you more, you looked lonely =x
But I'm glad it got better at the end.

It's a bore to talk about the events.
But i really regret not taking more pictures!!!
I'm really happy with the Sec 2 present.
No offense but I was really expecting soft toys and such.
However, hold and behold!
I got F.T. Island file and handphone strap and 2PM nametag and photocard.
I'm really happy.
Their all really cool present.
I guess I must thank Jeffrey for suggesting the presents.
But I was happiest with the t-shirt.
Thanks for thinking I am so skinny.
I will treasure every message!
But some of you still owe me message.
Find me to write it!!!

I feel recognised for once.
That after all my efforts, people actually recognised them.
I didn't expect so many presents.
I really, really didn't.
And the good feedback I recieved here and there.
Finally, I thought.
After I risked my life (2PM song :D)

Well, Chong You is still the most poor thing.
One day ccy, one day.
You'll be recognised as well.
The world may be harsh but it isn't blind.
Don't give up!

Anyways, on another unrelated note, today was the first day of school.
It was fun.
Thanks to Eng Yew, Syazana, Joey, 'Amirah, and Marissa.
... and Marissa.
We finally talked.
It was super, super weird at first.
I was really worried of what I said.
It was like threading on fine ice.
I can't mess up again.
I'm happy.
I forgot how happy it was to talk to you.
I really, really enjoyed myself.

It sucks.
I thought I will forget you after 19 days in europe of complete isolation.
But i can't.
I'm like a soldier and I am too heavily scarred.
I should've stayed strong and stay behind the frontlines.
But I couldn't.
The first shot was fired when I opened my heart.
The volley of bullets rained down on me than.
Your smile (the second shot)
Your caringness (the third)
Your friendliness (the forth)
All I could do was stand there.
When I realised I was too deeply screwed as I was no longer the master of my own emotions.
I was too heavily wounded to retreat.
I need to forget.
I need to live my own life.

FML.

Broken

2010-06-21T02:08:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding?
I thought too highly of myself, I really thought I wouldn't care.
All this is going to be my history soon, no longer my present or my future.
But it still hurts.
It hurts because I feel helpless.

Why are they so arrogant?
Why do they think so lowly of NCOs.
We're not stupid, we know what's happening.
We've known them better and longer than you.
Even if we're not close, we can read them better than you.
When you asked for our opinion, you didn't even take it into consideration.
I can tell you straight in the face, that's the biggest mistake.
We spend the most time with the Sec 3s.
How many trainings have you guys attended?

You say my point is not valid as compeition team stress is different from corps commander stress.
Bunch of bullocks that what it is.
Really, how different is it.
I invite you to step into mine or ccy shoes.
See how diff it is to deal with him.
His just a professional bootlicker and you guys like your boots shiny.

Over and over and over again.
You guys are hoping for an underdog story.
But srsly, isn't the commander and head of department post for the most deserving?
I've already pointed out about the flaw in Admin Department.
You guys said I was thinking too much and should give people a chance.
But *dengdengdengdeng, I told you so.

Talking about commander post, I have wanna apologise to ChongYou.
I dunnoe how to say this to you personally but if you see it here, all the better.
I'm really sorry I took away your chance to be commander.
You were more than deserving.
If I wasn't there you would have been the commander in a heartbeat.
It's not because I was better than you, it was because of politics.
You should know.
I hate politics.
Fuck politics.
It just ends up hurting everyone.
I'm sorry, that your heart broke than.
But just know, this commitee will never be succesful w/o you.
Don't care what people may say, you worked your ass off, no one can take it from you.

If only things can be different.
If only some people had more balls to speak up.
If only I had more power to speak up.
If only...
All I can say now is "if only..."

I'm not trying to say I'm so much better.
But I worked hard to be where I am today.
I worked so, so hard.
No one gave me the easy way.
No one expected me to be the commander.
I wasn't given the chance to join comp team in my first year.
All my skills, I had to learn from the shorter and limited time in corps.
I had to memorise my first aid.
The next year, when I joined comp team, I worked doubly hard to catch up with ChongYou.
Even in my nadir, I still go to St. John.
Because there's something in me that makes me go.
Passion, Love, Insanity whatever you call it.
I had it.
I guess that's why I am here today.
Because I had drive.
I never gave up.

Sorry Mr. John, I couldn't protect you.
Even if you made my life a living hell, you made me happy once too.
I wish you all the best.
I wish my Sec 2s the best.

Oh yah, fuck off if you disagree with what I type.
This is my blog, make your own to bitch about things.
My feelings are not yours, you'll never understand.

2010-05-26T07:15:00.001-07:00

I finally truly understand why i can't let go of st. john.
cause of pride i guess.
in school, i am really a nobody.
i stick with the same people.
and i am very uncomfortable around new people.

my life consists of same old routine.
and offer, i find myself troubled by that.
i always remind myself how lonely i am.
and often drift off to think of sjab.
where i am a somebody.

i am not exceptional in sch work.
and i don't get recognise for it.
but in sjab.
i feel alive.
i get to make so many important decisions.
i feel that adrenaline is pumping through me,
taking care of every single detail.
i feel useful; like i am truly needed.
and most of all, i am noticable (figurative, tyvm).

i feel good.
but... my time is up.
i told myself.
i'll wipe my hands clean of corps issue.
but everytime i encounter one.
i wanna go down and kill every single of my brain cell to think of a solution.
but, i have to learn to let go.

i have more important commitments.
but my heart seem to be somewhere else.
i envy the sec 3s.
even if i hated nco life.
it was still a good experience.
i want to feel alive again...

everyday.
i place a little bit of my heart and soul into it.
so much so, i can't seem to get it all back now.
i envy chongyou and madeline.
how they seem to be able to not care of sjab anymore.
i must learn to be as cool as them.
and just dump it aside.

how i wish i could cut ties with sjab.
how i wish it was a distant memory.

i really need to concentrate.
but i feel like shit.
worse that i ever felt.
my life is screwed up.
my mind is always not focused.
it was never this bad.
moments when i am alone is like hell.
the only way i can be happy is drowning myself with videos.
it's like a drug.
i can't stop.
i'll do it still...
again and again.

bye, shall find moments of solace in my sleep.

2010-05-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hmm. I use to pride myself for my independance and self-preservation.
I guess loneliness got the best of me.
Seeing all the blissfulness and glee on all the faces of the attached people.
Wanna claw it off.
Kidding.

I like to watch romantic shows/vids/movies and listen to heartbreak songs.
It use ot affect me moderately.
But it seems to bother me a hell lot nowadays.
Cause it seem i can relate to everything.
Ahhhh, i dread this feeling.
That my emotions are realiant on someone else.
Driving me to insanity as I'm no longer the master of my own life.

Sometimes people can be funny.
We continue to like someone.
Even though we're rob of our thoughts.
And we are brought nothing but false hope and heartbreaks.
We still yearn for the few momments of breathlessness when we see the ones we like.

We're not stupid (at least i'm not).
We know it's impossible.
And we always protect our hearts by reminding ourselves of this every waking moment.
But it never seems to work.
We still continue to live foolishly and recklessly.
Letting our hearts rule our actions.

Because there can never be wrong with that person.
All you can see is how happy you'll be.
How it can never go wrong.
How your life will be finally completed.

All this is bullshit,
but our hearts don't seem to understand this.
They just keep beating, and beating for you.
But it will always remain inaudible to you.

Cinderella Sister:
"Waking up in the morning was fun now.
I wanted to sleep early at night.
Because if I slept, it would be morning quicker.
Because when I woke up in the morning,
I would be able to start another day with him.
Whenever I turned by head and saw him, I would feel good.
I didn't dare ask for much.
If I went somewhere and came back...
As long as that person was there...
That was enough.
Even if I didn't see him for a moment...
As soon as I see him,
I was as happy as if I didn't see him in a million years.
I was statisfisfied with just that."

How true EunJo,
But JungWoo is still the right man for you.

Wow, emo shit much?

I guess I'll have to learn the lesson of forgetting the slow and hard way.
Of letting go, one memory at a time.

Really?

2010-05-17T02:15:00.000-07:00

I apologised.
You said you forgive me.
Yes... you said.

But why the hostile attitude today?
I took the initiative to apologise.
You felt that i went out of line.
But thats just who i am.
But what about you?
I never knew you'll ever said such things to me.
The sky just rip open and everything just came out.
Did you even considered how i felt?
You just kept going and going.
I didn't say anything.
Didn't you know?

I hope your happy.
I guess this was all one sided.
I guess you never really needed me.
I guess i'm the only one weeping about this.

I hope i can learn to ignore you soon.
I guess, things will never be the same.

I thank god for giving us the ability to adapt.

Are you happy?

2010-05-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

Hello.

sometimes you feel you screwed up your life so much,
you just wanna sleep,
and never wake up...

may was horrible.
so many things happened.
i hope they can resolve themselves soon.

hmm, i need to go out more.
if i am not distracted, i'll have more time to think.
if i have more time to think, i'll have more time to reflect.
that's no good, cause it always brings me down.

maybe i am thinking too much.
maybe it's not that bad.
whatever.
life still goes on.
i still have to wake up to another day.

at least i'll have somethings to look forward to.

ruixuan birthday celebration!
ruixuan birthday celebration pt. 2 at pastamania!
pris performance at bpian got talent.
trip to europe!
rod... (:

i guess life is not that bad.

i used to regret going to europe, but it'll be an opportunity for me to finally relax i guess. (:

Exams

2010-04-26T02:46:00.001-07:00

I'm suppose to be making SS SEQ notes now.
But...
TADAH, i'm here!!!
Failure...

I need to start studying, especially organic chemistry.
Because of that stupid chapter, my chemistry is failing...
AHHHHHHH! I cannot lose my two most confident A1s.

I'm getting chirpier these days.
Maybe because i don't have to worry about SJAB anymore.
But competition team...
I really dunnoe what to do about it.
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Help me God, why can't you be BP Comp Team instructor instead?

I suck.
I didn't wait for Marissa because of something stupid.
Very stupid.
Why the hell do i do such things???
It's pointless.
Sorry Marissa...
Really, really, really sorry.
I won't do such things anymore.

I need to give up on this.

Sucks.

2010-04-11T03:30:00.000-07:00

I get it okay, you can stop talking about it.
Once is enough.
You don't have to go around telling people all this thing.
I am not that shamless.
Thanks for letting me know you find my disgusting.
So i can finally learn to give up.

I'm a joke.

Marissa was right all along.
I thought i would be different, but it ended in heartbreak as well.
I really really hate myself.
Why did i do all this stupid things for you?
Why did i make myself so cheap?
When all you thought of me was scary and disgusting.
I am not like that okay.
The only reason i do most of the things i do is because of you.

I will stop it.
I will not continue.
So rest assured and live long.

Goodbye will always come.

FML.

St. John

2010-04-08T06:05:00.000-07:00

I find myself coming here often to seek solace from all the things that happened to me in St. John.
Today was shitty as well.
He told me "Your a great leader but sometimes you need to learn to follow."
But, does he know my part of the story?
It is not i loveeeeee making decisions.
But i never get a reply.
And it is near the training.
Am i just going to shut up?
But it'll be my fault in the end.
It is always Wei Hao's fault.
Even things that happen to Sec 1 is my fault.
They stand in the Sun, it is not their Squad I/Cs fault, it is also not D/N's fault.
IT IS MY FAULT.
Out of all the people in the world, you shout at me.
Because i am easy to bully.
I am a joke.

I find myself doing so much for St. John.
But nobody gives a flying fuck.
I am always the bad guy.
I am always the slave.
I am always the wrong do-er.

Every training, i find myself giving my all.
I make sure everything is up to standard.
Even though only Chong You helps me and at times i feel like dying.
I still do it.
But who cares!?
Srsly.
The TICs don't seem to notice.
I feel so hurt.
They apply for Madeline the Best Cadet Grant.
But they conviniently miss me out.
I have nothing against Madeline.
But it is just that, don't i deserve to be nominated too?

I am just a joke.
I am just the DEPUTY Commander.
I am just there to fill the spot.
I am just there to do work.
I will never get recognise.
Madeline will always be recognise.
She will always represent St. John.
I will be forgotten.
I will just be remembered as the FAT GUY.

The Instructors and Officers hate me.
They think i very zi da.
I like to make decisions.
I am always right.
But fuck it.
If you do the work, do i have to?
You gimme a task.
I do it.
Than i want it my way = i am zi da.
I feel that i do more work than anyone.
But i am always wrong.
I am just egotastic.
This shit has been happening for very long.
I know.
Don't need to complain about me behind my back.
I thought JJ sir will understand.
But end up...
He say i am shitty.
You say you want everyone to think your the devil.
Thats what everyone think i am.
You think i friggin' like it?
I do it because it is enjoyable?
NO. I do it because i feel i have too.
But now i doubt it.
I should just forget it.
Because i will just be titled "Zi Da".
Fcuk this, really.

The cadets.
HAHAs.
Total strength 76.
People who hate Wei Hao 75.
I do not hate myself yet.
HAHAs.
They think i am mad.
shoutshoutshout.
I start to think i am mad too.
I should just shut up.
An Instr once told me:
"1. I should not abuse scolding like Audrey ma'am.
2. I should not overuse it like you (Wei Hao)."
Thanks ah, srsly.
I am just a piece of shit apparantly.

I am nothing in St. John.
I will never get appreciated.
I will always be the bad guy.

I am having an eternal headache that only ROD can cure.
FCUK St. John.
Srsly, fcuk you very very much.
You do not love me anymore.
You don't make me feel happy anymore.
You just make me feel misery, pain & agony.

What to do, i am just a DEPUTY. :)

FML.

Monday 07/04

2010-04-07T03:26:00.000-07:00

Nothing special happened today.
Just that i realise i became annoying.
Sorry Marissa, please don't get irritated by me.
I really cannot stand been outcasted now.
I must shut up and behave like a cultured person for a week.
Srsly, or i will lose my friends.
I can't got through it again.

Talking about this, I have changed soooooo many friends.
I really hope i don't have to go through it again.
I really hate that it is hard to find good friends.
I am not exactly attractive, and my interest differ from most jocks, so it is really hard for me to find friends.
And i am always very accurate in assessing whether someone likes me or not.
I really hate it, i rather be oblivious =P

More SJAB work is coming.
Boogers, srsly.
But this one plan with other UG, should be more enjoyable and easy.

I can't wait to graduate.
I hate been a teenager.
But i hate been old too.
I'm soooo hard to pls.

Life sucks.
I hate feeling this way.
Please stop.
It's gross.

Bye.

S.J.A.B

2010-04-06T06:33:00.000-07:00

This accursed 4 letters: S, J, A & B is how you spell my life.
My life has been revolving around it for 4 years now.
I have never questioned it, devotedly doing what is asked from me.
But my passion for it is shaken.
I start to ask myself, "Am I happy?"
I don't know why this starts to happen.
Maybe because with more power, I get to see the ugly side of St. John?
Maybe with more power, I have to make uglier decisions?
Maybe I just don't have enough energy and paitence to handle all of it?

Of course, after almost 2 years in committee, it get easier for me.
But, I am also tired.
Everytime I go to training, I get dispised.
Do the cadets really think i am stupid?
Whatever you say behind my back, I know.
And it hurts my feelings.
A childish statement but it really does.
It gets better now but... I really hate that they still act friendly towards me.
It makes me paranoid.
I think i would immediately quit SJAB if i found out the cadets i am close to hates me.
I srsly dunnoe who likes me and who doesn't.
I really, really hate hypocrites.
Please just die.

I am also tired of work.
Tired of the repitition of work.
I am just very tired i general.

I really dunnoe if i will come back as an instructors.
I srsly have no motivations except for my Sec 2s.
All the other Sec 4s do not want to come back.
And i am not close with the instr, and i doubt i will ever be.
Srsly, i don't do well alone.
I really hope more Sec 4s wanna go back.

And i dunnoe if i wanna go OTC.
If she goes, than i will deffo go.
But i don't even know she coming back to be instr. anot.

This sucks. Life sucks. I suck.

Bye suckers.

Shizz

2010-04-06T05:42:00.001-07:00

HAHAs, blogging after 6 months, doubt anyone will read this.

This sucks, I feel like a homewrecker.
Me & my big mouth.
1 day of letting it loose, I regret 80% of what I said.

Firstly, I think I destroyed this relastionship.
I super super hate myself for it.
I feel, like Prisilia would say, nasty.

And than and than, my big mouth doesn't stop there.
I told the Sec 2s of something unconfirmed.
What if it collaspes? What if there are changes?
Ffffffffffffff man.

Srsly, I hope I just die.
I suck, big time.

Haish, at least Sunday got PD, something to look forward to.

2PM comeback on April, I really really hope they don't lose to Shinee.
I'm super worried.
Because they have alot of anti-fans now.
But I'll support them all the way.
NichYoung forever.
Chansung is just a joke.

2 P-PM! Take on my heart~ Follow your soul.

Competition Team

2009-09-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

Hopeless...
I don't even have a team to join even though i want to.
I hope this gets settled soon.
I really wanna settle down and train.
I really wanna improve.
I need to improve.
But at this rate, I'll be happy if i don't deprove.
Truth to be told, i rather trained then to train.
Stupid.
I have to handle so much stuff and yet no one seems to know.
I even have to beg people to come training.
How pathetic is that?
I can't be bothered anymore.
Nicholas sir is right.
I should just concentrate on those who want to learn.
How i hope i can just be a trainee instead of a trainer.
Corps life is hard enough.
I don't want to continue suffering OUTSIDE of it.
Damn...

FML.

INCONSIDERATE

2009-09-15T06:32:00.000-07:00

When is it ever inconsiderate to wear singlet and underwear (yes, the short were THAT short) out when clearly you have nothing but fugliness & acne to show?
I had to use 50 bottles of eye mo when i reach home yesterday.
That is the extend of damage done by looking at him.
I am currently deaf now from the laughter of SeeDuck Girls.
That inconsiderate guy was flirting with them and they laughing away with their unattractive & piercing laughter.
Girls nowadays have very weird taste for man, oh sorry, i forgot, their gorillas.

"Flash your books!"
"Take out your books!"
"Come on, don't be shy, take out your books!"
"Hold your books up high!"
When you have an imagination, all these lines are super funny.
This instr. keep telling SeeDuck Girls School these lines.
I can't help but laughoutloud.
Well, i'm sure they will be willing to do if given the opportunity.

An advice from the wise (me), wear 5 layers & don't walk home alone.

Ciao.

Emotionless

2009-08-06T05:06:00.000-07:00

You guys can hate me.
That makes my work even easier.
This is how I do things, this is my job.
Yes, I scolded inapropriately.
But did i fabricate anything?
My way is i don't sugar coat things for you guys.
Reality is reality.
So you guys might as well don't waste your time hating me and just get used to it as you'll be working with this SOB for 1 year.
Correcting mistake is my job.
I turn up, train, correct mistakes, and go home.
Bad mouthing me won't change a hoot.
As we most probably will not be friends after ROD.
So why would i try so hard to be friends with you.
My true friends are those that understand what i am doing.
Scold me a jerk, an ass, a fucker, a son of a bitch.
Nothing can hurt me anymore.
I'm just doing my job.
(:

Curious, Curious People

2009-07-31T03:54:00.000-07:00

Er,
Why do people have two blogs?
One private and one for public.
Isn't that redundant?
And it, to me, is damn bothersome.
Imagine having to post twice.

There's no use blogging about what you feel.
Cause you know your so gonna tell your good friends tommorrow.
So might as well just tell.
LOL.

Thats all.

School

2009-07-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

School seems so much more enjoyable nowadays.
I think it's thanks to the fact that we only have 7 subjects.
It's so much less stressful!
And, whats best is i enjoy most of my subjects.

Normally, i will only score in subjects that i have passion for.
Maths to be is boring and dead, it doesn't tingle my interest at all.
Thats why, i suck at it.
Chinese too.

School seems to pass so fast.
I still remeber during secondary 1, when our chinese lesson was as 'long' as school itself.
But now, lessons seem to end in a blink of an eye.
Especially Biology.

I can't believe, its already thursday.
Can't wait for the weekends.
I want to go out!!!
I becoming zai nan already,
everyday stay at home watch TV or movies.
I watch way too much TV.
And when i am not watching TV, i am using the computer to watch shows.
I have a very boring life. LOL.

K, this was a boring post to blow the dust away from my blog.
Bye.

What happened.

2009-07-22T02:50:00.002-07:00

My life revolves around one thing.
S-J-A-B.
I used to treat it like my life, now it is forced onto me.
Why you may ask?

Well, I used to have a lot of good friends from St. John.
Chong You, Madeline, and Mardhiyyah.
But i lost all of them for reasons i regret and i don't want to say.

Because i am the Deputy Commander, any decision i make seems to offend somebody.
But now, i've really lost all sense of compassion.
I don't care about their feelings anymore.
Cause if i do, all i get is their attitude.
So, why the fuck would i fucking give a damn anymore?
Hate me, i'll get used to it.
See, SJAB has make me into an anal S.O.B.

I used to love going to St. John.
I get to meet my very very (ex) good friends.
Of course i miss them, but what to do?
Its my fucking fault.
I was completely aware of what i was doing was sabotaging the relastionship.
Why did i do it?
If i didn't, i'll still have my best friend with me.
See, i am an S.O.B.

The cadet years in St. John is all about been tortured.
But you know what?
I fucking love it.
Cause we did it as a squad with everyone as equal.
Our leaders were clear, they were the NCOs.
We did not have deep relastionship with them, so even if they treat us like shit, we still respected them cause their our sr.
It is much more different as a committee.
We are not happy when we are asked to do stuff.
Cause we feel we are equal.
So fuck it.

Its so difficult now.
We act like we don't know each other.
We purposely hurt each other.
Why?

I want to be a cadet again.
I want to be close with my squad again.
I don't want the whole committee to hate me.
I want a time machine.
I want change.
I want my friends back.

I am tired...

Eye Opener

2009-07-17T04:47:00.001-07:00

Wow, its been so long since i've seen a rude Singaorean.
When i was taking the LRT, we arrived at South View.
There was this little (hardly) boy around Primary four who shouted at another boy.
That is one of the weirdest and most gay thing to do in public la.
Shoving your head into dirt is less embarassing.

The first thing that came to my mind is:
"FREAK!".
And of course i was right or i won't be bloging about it.
So he just came in, pushing away the people at the door.
And he was so sweaty!
He must had a real hard time coming out of the elevator.
So everyone just stared at him.
Him probably been used to it or his just a total moron, ignored.

He just stared at the screen thingy, biting his thumb.
It isn't cute btw.
Cause he is overweight and sweaty.
Then for dunnoe what reason,
the diva who think he is God just pushed an auntie to pass him.
Then he push a guys hand away to go to the other side.
He just kept pushing and pushing.
I wonder where he gets his manners.

Its been so long since i saw a rude person.
And i never expected it to be in someone so young.
Whats happening to our younger generations?
I only learned the word "fuck" in primary 5.
But i used it only in secondary 1.
Probably to Nicholas cause he keep calling me fat LOL.
But nowadays, students as young as primary 1 are already wah lao-ing away and fuck-ing away.
I don't mean the fuck-ing literally.

Wow, what will happen to our children.
Will they smoke pot at the tender age of 4?
I wonder what the parent nowadays are doing.
If i were a parent, i will preserve my children's innocence as long as possible.
Innocence is the best gift in our lives.
But many of have hardly any left.
So i will make sure my children enjoy the beauty of innocence for a long, long time.

As they say,
"Ignorance is Bliss."

The Wind That Shakes the Barley

2009-07-15T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hi.

Pictures will come when i am not so lazy.
Hehe.

Recently, out of boredom, i watched a movie:

"Ireland, 1920. Damien and Teddy are brothers. But while the latter is already the leader of a guerrilla squad fighting for the independence of his motherland, Damien, a medical graduate of University College, would rather further his training at the London hospital where he has found a place. However, shortly before his departure, he happens to witness atrocities committed by the ferocious Black and Tans and finally decides to join the resistance group led by Teddy. The two brothers fight side by side until a truce is signed. But peace is short-lived and when one faction of the freedom-fighters accepts a treaty with the British that is regarded as unfair by the other faction, a civil war ensues, pitting Irishmen against Irishmen, brothers against brothers, Teddy against Damien." -IMDB

It is a really good movie.

And it is really interesting as you learn about what used to happen in Ireland.

I knew nuts until i watched this movie.

It is irrtating at first though.

Cause they have really thick Irish accent.

But,

you'll learn to live with it.

And Cillian Murphy is as good as usual.

You can throw any role at him and he can give an outstanding performance.

I like actors because of their acting and their personality.

They can be horribly disfigured and have only 1 eye.

But if they can give an Oscar worthy performance, then count me in.

Cillian Murphy is an interesting person.

He only gives interviews about his work and never about his personal life.

He does not appear on talk shows etc.

I respect this very much.

Because by doing this, it means less media coverage for him.

That is why most of you probably never hear of him.

IMHO, this is very very respectable.

I especially dislike actors who only sell their looks.

IMHO, their pathetic.

This actors normally have effed up personal life too

Some eff themselves up ust to get coverage.

No matter how mess up they make themselves to get coverage,

without talent, their careers just cannot last.

They'll eventually be forgotten.

Only talent can leave a mark in this industries.

Timeless classics like Titanic will never be forgotten.

Why?

Because of Kate Winslet unbeatable talent.

Why I am blogging about this is because i was reminded of this movie by Social Studies lessons.

Cause we're currently learning about this.

Here Rui Xuan, something positive.

TskTsk.

Bye.

Oh ya, MIO still suck.

Nincompoop product.

2009-07-13T03:40:00.000-07:00

Mio allows you to:
"Enjoy unlimited local calls from mobile and home phone, mio also offers wireless internet surf and digital home connectivity for future services."
Bunch of no good liars.
The piece of shit product is only beneficial as nutirents for plants.

The genious piece of mechanism tells me i am connected.
But my IE browser says otherwise.
Then i go reconnected and then it works.
For a few friggin' minutes.
Then it crash on me again.
Only to have me reconnect.
And this happens every friggin' time i use the computer.
Which is a lot by the way.

How i wish i could flush the MIO down the toilet bowl.

DIE MIO, DIE.

12/07

2009-07-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

It was the the chinese and malay performance today.
Met up with marissa and engyew at like 1130.
I thought we were the only 3 morons that met so early.
But everyone else met at around this time.

We decided to eat pizza hut.
Well me and engyew did.
Skinny marissa ate ice cream only.
Shes afriad she'll grow fat all of a sudden and be unable to fit into her dress.
Skinnier engyew ate as much as me and he is still hungry. -.-
I hate him.

At 1300 most of M2 met in LJS.
I was koping fries.
I love free food. ;D
Then saw carlyna.
LOL, she wear like almost same thing as me.
Great, magnificent, wonderful, beautiful, clever, and superb minds think alike.

Then we went arcade.
We came up with an ingenious plan on how to play for free.
But hanyan never comply. D;
I should've tried it.
But i'll most probably end up in a lawsuit.

At 1400 we went to wait for the divas.
LOL, dunnoe why her majesty so long then come.
When they really did come, we went RP.

Almost everyone have same temperature la.
Wonder if the machine really works.
Then went in wait for the show to start.

It first started with a fight scence between Xin Miao and Yu Hao.
Totally pointless.
YH wanted something, XM (predictably) don't comply.
So they fight.
Then it ended with them praising each other.
Huh?
I totally caught no ball(s).

Then it was the malay one.
Man, syazana is such a good actor.
It was okay.
But i heard the story too many times le.
Not fresh la basically.
And the fight scence they should have just used low blow.
Their kukus were so expose and vulnerable.
Whoever use low blow could've won easily.

Then it was the chinese one.
Story very cliche.
So not fresh also.
Not much to elaborate.
But khooee was a very good actress.

IMHO they've trained so hard.
Then they only perform this one time.
Its very stupid and pointless.
Waste their efforts.

I wasted my weekends again.
My saturday was sleep till sunday day.
I was complaining how bored i was when i have so much homework.
Then i told myself that i'll do it today.
Man, i'm to gullible.
To believe a sloth like me will do homework.
I better start on my geog soon.
Felt so bad when miss wu never say me even though i never hand up any homework.
Weird right.
I rather get scolded though.
And MUST finish english.
Miss phua seems so piss nowadays.
Poor her.

K, go away, the post has ended.